Heroin Diaries

I’ve put off telling my story for awhile now because much of this story hurts. Sometimes it’s too painful to think about and though I wouldn’t change most of it and I’m even fond of some of it, I knew that in order to tell it properly, I’d have to dig deep into memories I’ve tried hard to avoid and well… It’s taken awhile to get to where I feel I am able. You see, many of the characters in this true story are no longer with us. Loved, lost, trials and tribulations galore, however – that one year I witnessed, or was a part of, some of the most compassionate and uplifting moments of my entire life. So, read on and enjoy. Live, love, learn.

It was on the streets of Dallas that I learned how to drop my guard and truly care for others. I loved greatly and was greatly loved by my adopted family, dysfunctional as it often was. Jason, Billy, Shawn, Pop, Jimmy, Paul, Brandy, Gypsy… We shared life changing experiences, we cried to one another, we hugged our hellos and goodbyes, we fought for and with each other, and rarely did we fail to tell the other how much we loved and appreciated them.

…

For all the absolutely wonderful things I experienced there are an equal amount of just all time lows that I never thought possible. Those I often went through completely alone. Not for lack of caring people, just… I dunno. Looking back, I guess I felt I needed to do my suffering on my own.

Night, sometime in early April… Bought my first dime of heroin with the intention of shooting it from Corey. He told me, “This is from so-and-so. Best dope in town. So don’t go shooting this whole thing if you’re not used to it. Be careful”.

I walked away in the cold misty rain, back to camp where I planned to dissolve the entire bit in a spoon, draw it up, find a vein and push the plunger.

Cying as I walk the westbound side of LBJ towards Hillcrest, and just before I get to Park Central I see a truck exiting a road I’d never even noticed before. Guy rolls down his window and says, “Hey, how’re you doing?”

“Fanfuckingtastic” I said, and kept walking.

Quickly he responds, “Really? You dont look ‘Fanfuckingtastic'”

“Yeah, well… Who wants to hear me complain?”, I asked.

“Point taken. You know, everything is gonna be ok” he tells me.

“Yea?…” I shrugged

“Know how I know?”

Like a true smartass I go, “Well if I have to venture a guess, I figure your going to say, Jesus”

“That’s right son”

As dismissive as I could I said “Allllrighty, have a good night now.”

“Wait!” He extends a hand and as I shake it I realize he’s pressing some bills into my hand telling me again “It’s gonna be ok”

I think I muttered “thanks” and wandered off bawling in the now heavy rain towards home. I had important shit to do.

Later, as I changed into my last bit of dry clothes I pulled out the money he slipped me that I’d truthfully already forgotten about and fuck if there wasn’t six $20 bills there.

One helluva gesture or sign if you will. I wish I could say that made me think long and hard enough to not foolishly slam that entire dime into my arm but it didn’t. I survived that dose but there began my slow descent into a really difficult addiction to beat and a whole other kind of hell but more on that later.

To that random stranger: I’ll never forget that kind gesture. You took time out in the dark and rain to see me… my suffering… and you made it a point to do something of great compassion right then and there. People like you are why I know going through all of this was worth it and I thank you from the bottom of my heart 💚

To my love, Samantha: Thank you. For all that you are and all that you do. These years with you I have learned more about love, heartache, patience, humility, friendship and loss than ever before… Since I met you; everything I’ve been through and all I experienced even during our time apart have been the most profoundly important years of my life and I want to thank you for being such a positive and patient influence. There’s so much of you in me today and I know I am a far better man than I once was thanks in part to you. So happy you’re back in my life.

Forever yours,

Sully.