Ya know, in writing my story – 18 months worth of my story at least – I’ve had to constantly re-examine my motivations in order to properly convey the true message and one thing I’ve learned through it all, is.. It truly is All About Her.
November 5th, 2019,
Hello beautiful girl,
I have been trying so hard to write you something meaningful for your birthday. I must have written and discarded 5,000 words already. My hero once said, “The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out.” Fuckin’ A…
Then, this afternoon Pandora decided to autoplay Elton John’s “Your Song”. It’s a familiar tune of course, but I don’t think I had ever really heard it until today. Its beauty is in its simplicity and for that 4 mins and 3 seconds all I could think of was you. I’m just a guy who grew up on the shittiest side of the shittiest town with almost no education and I am painfully aware of my shortcomings when it comes to expressing myself. That said, for the sake of simplicity I am going to borrow from a few others that I feel do it better than myself; beginning right from the start with the title.
I’ve always felt that Hank Moody best represented my feelings for you with his beloved Karen and when he says, “At the end of the day, it’s really all about her. It’s always been about her.” Sigh. That damn near killed me every time I heard it.
You know the story of the night I apparently revealed too much to Melissa by playing a bunch of back to back Counting Crows songs? After awhile she looked at me all thoughtful – grinning as if she’s just figured out the solution to the puzzle and said, “You’re a hopeless romantic!” At the time I thought she was full of shit and told her so. I had never been accused of the same by any other woman I’ve known I assure you. Five years later all I can think is, “Man, that girl is wicked smaht.” I often thank her silently for that was the moment I began to consider who I was beyond the guy that wanted to fight anyone who made eye contact on the street.
Nowadays? Shit. Nowadays, I tear up over every small act of kindness or understanding gesture in a movie, television show, or song lyric. For better or worse, falling so hopelessly for you brought that out. I have loved other women. I even believed I’d been in love before, but I have never felt like this. So perfectly secure yet completely helpless. Entirely certain of everything the universe has to offer and scared shitless at the same time. Warren Haynes once said, “Life can take the strongest man – make him feel so alone”, ” …like a woman that’s robbed him of his very soul” (Soulshine, 2004). I have always prided myself on my strength – even in a neighborhood where strength was all you had – but I have never felt as weak as I did those months without you in my life. It was as if my soul left with you and I would never be happy again. Did I ever tell you that when I say your full name it takes my breath away? When we’re good everything is alright with the world and when we’re not it is so broken that nothing makes sense. You are the reason I am aware of my own soul and that is so… I’m sorry, I just don’t have the words.
We’ve had our fights. One or two of epic fucking proportions even but, when Rooster took off during that fight with Mary and she later said, “You know when you ran out the other night I never once thought about burning your laundry. I just listened to Lee Bryce and folded it.” “What’s wrong with that?” he asked. “Everything! I wanna have a deeper connection. You know? I want to love someone enough to wanna burn their shit.” That gave me a whole new perspective. We just need to always remember how much we love one another so we can take the breath that separates understanding from burning everything we care about. I think we’re doing an amazing job so far.
This began with a simple song and it has already become more convoluted than I intended so let me end with this — you are what being in love means to me. You are my home, my center, and my peace. You helped me discover myself and I will be eternally grateful for that. Now I only want to do the same for you. Happy birthday my love.
I Fucking Love You, Sam
-Irish
“And you can tell everybody,
-Elton John – 1970
This is your song.
It may be quite simple but,
Now that it’s done,
I hope you don’t mind,
I hope you don’t mind,
that I put down in words,
how wonderful life is,
while you’re in the world.”